Guilt-Free 3 – Spartacus Edition

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My friend Matt turned me on to Spartacus.  I then turned my husband on to it.  Because let’s be honest, there’s naked people everywhere and they’re all really attractive naked people and why the heck not?

There are so many attractive naked people, in fact, that I had a hard time just picking three.  But I did it, because I am a GF3 Master.

#1 – Andy Whitfield – Spartacus #1

Ready for sadness?  Andy Whitfield died after the first season of filming Spartacus of stage 4 non-Hodgkins lymphoma leaving behind a wife and two kids.  With that said, his #1 ranking in this GF3 is a tribute to his awesomeness and his sexiness.  No one will ever be as good as Andy.

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#2 – Dustin Clare – Gannicus

Gannicus is saucy, confident, and dirty in all the right ways.

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#3 – Brett Tucker – Publius Varinius

Brett Tucker played Publius Varninius–and he almost didn’t make the cut…until I saw him with stubble.

Starz Contents

And with the stubble?

Brett_Tucker

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Guilt-Free 3 – Hair Metal Edition

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How’s this for embarrassing?  I’m going to do a “Hair Metal” GF3…  What’s wrong with me? Lots.  I actually used to be wildly attracted to this look.  I’ve matured.  Shut up.

#1 – Jon Bon Jovi – Bon Jovi

You’ll always hold a special place in my heart, Jon.  You were the more “clean cut” of the hair metal stars, even though you tried to dirty yourself up with “Slippery When Wet.”  I always thought of you as the nice one.

JonBon

#2 – Brett Michaels – Poison

I feel like I’m going to catch a disease for even putting Brett on the list…but his hair is pretty glorious, and if you look past his girlish make-up, he’s not half bad.

BrettMichaels

#3 – Joe Perry – Aerosmith

This picture actually still makes me a little…yeah, embarrassingly enough, it still makes me a little hot. Joe Perry was GORGEOUS.  Was being the operative word.  It’s a shame the way you’ve aged, good sir.

JoePerry

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Guilt-Free 3 – Joel’s Edition

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When I asked Joel for his Guilt-Free 3, he asked me if there were specifications.  I said, “Nope, do whatever you want.”

Then he told me he’d only give me his GF3 if i promised to post it the way he sent it over. So without further ado…

#1 – A.A. Bondy

JOEL:  Bondy’s got a set of vocal chords—wow. But, look at the soul pouring out of his eyes! Look at the way he wears those thin shirts and black army style boots. His pants are versatile in the extreme. He is tall, strung out, totally into the sound of love as it exists in the southern gothic and folk tradition but does he stop there—no, because he’s A.A. fucking Bondy, thus, his music is also very saturated with melancholy and  hypnotic reverb. I can’t stress enough how hypnotic it all is. He has perfected the sound of a male siren.  He sounds like a lost cowboy in love. Spiritual. His face is full of wonderful architecture. The dark eyes. The forlornness. What does he know!? I listen to his music and always imagine he is riding over some prairie at night with lightning cracking in the sky and his silhouette—a slouched soldier in a  war, lit against the surrounding hills.

aabondy

#2 – James Franco

JOEL:  The longest running joke of Franco’s career is that he might be gay. That joke is not told by women, though. It’s told usually by men—a lot of comedians—and the media speculation, allegedly also an industry controlled by men, is more than happy to continue promoting the question. To put it briefly, we men must really, really want this guy to turn for us. Because that means we at least have a chance.

Obviously a lot could be said about Franco–his looks, an active/versatile career–but without sounding too “Lebowski” about it, The Way of Franco is an interesting thought experiment:  Would Franco get upset about some minor family dispute? Would Franco complain about his job? Would Franco tell you the sex you both shared didn’t matter? Think about it. Franco would be like a sexual friend and sage to you, in your bed, if he ever had the time and sexual interest.

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#3 – Michael Fassbender

JOEL:  How is the guy that skinny look that strong, and at time, that healthy? Fassbender’s rise coincides with the GQ/Esquire industries trend in re-imagining the modern man as an incredibly thin dude who seems lost and wise at the same time. The ideal image for almost the last decade in these magazines has been. the thin, clever looking sartorial fellow in a rakish, mod suit. If it’s JCrew, Streetfashion blogs, whatever, the most revered type in the new fitted era is a man long in the leg, deep in the eyes, thin nosed, etc. Fassbender is the latest version of the most modern man we could possibly imagine, but in his case, he actually is a living human you could fuck. How does he look so goddamn anatomical and, at the same time, soulful? Smart, but non-manipulative. Thoughtful, but always a man of action.  I first saw Fassbender in Inglorious Bastards. But in the sex-addict he played in Shame, you see a man whose beauty is a scary potential. Sex comes to him and he is a slave to it. He serves it every day and no woman could rationally think when they were confronted with a complicated kind of angel like him. He is always perplexed by his own beauty and tortured by it because it grants him every carnal desire a man could want. And yet it’s not enough. So, hey Fassbender, come on over.

MichaelFassbender

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Guilt-Free 3 – JO(H)N Edition

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No, this edition of the Guilt-Free 3 does not belong to a John…and it’s not just 3 people, either.  This is a tribute to all the Hot Jo(h)ns out there.  Can you imagine a Guilt-Free 3 made up of men of the same name?  Yum.  I’m open to adding more Johns!  Leave them in the comments or send them to me directly.

How am I to pick only 3?!

#1 – John Stamos

Tell me you don’t love Uncle Jesse.  Tell me you don’t like Oikos.  Tell me you don’t love John Stamos.  Pretty sure it happened during the “Kokomo” video for me.  Love me a man in a pink tank top.

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#2 – Jon Bon Jovi

There are no words.  There are NO words.  Jon, you’ll always hold a special place in my heart (and my loins) so long as you’re holding that sheet.

JonBonJovi

#3 – John Travolta (Grease era)

John Travolta is pretty creepy now.  But back in the day?  Mmhmm.

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#4 – Johnny Depp

This is kind of a no-brainer.

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#5 – John Krasinski

I miss him.  John, please come back to my Guilt-Free 3.  I’m sorry!

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#6 – Johnny Whitworth

I don’t know who this is really, but Chelsea pointed him out to me once…and I agree that he’s one of the sexiest creatures walking the earth.

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#7 – John Mayer

When I saw him, I liked it.  When he outed Jessica Simpson as a “firecracker,” I loved him.

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#8 – John Corbett

Aidan Shaw.  Come love me.  Quit doing Walgreen’s commercials, too.

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#9 – John C. McGinley

I’ve always had a thing for Dr. Cox.  Dude was always SUPER built.  It didn’t hurt that he was a complete asshole–that’s really becoming on some men.

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#10 – Jon Hamm

You drive me MAD!  (Stupid pun. Shut up.)

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#11 – John Cougar Mellencamp  (Jack & Diane era)

I want to live in his hair here.

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#12 – Johnny Knoxville

I’ve always been wildly attracted to Johnny Knoxville. I’m not proud of it.

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#13 – Jon Stewart

It’s a good mix of goofy and sexy.

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#14 – Jonathan Taylor Thomas

How could I forget this?!  Thanks, Matt, for reminding me.

JTT

#15 – Jonathan Brandis (RIP)

I had the biggest crush on Jonathan Brandis.  seaQuest, Ladybugs, you name it.  It was a sad day when he passed.

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#16 – Jonathan Jackson

You’ve been yummy for years, Jonathan.

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#17 – Jonathan Goldsmith

The most interesting (and handsome) man in the world.

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#18 – John Vesely

Um, where the HELL have I been?  Because this guy is hot.  He’s the singer of Secondhand Serenade, and I approve of it all.

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#19 – John F. Kennedy, Jr.

I think most Johns have good hair, too.

John F. Kennedy Jr

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Guilt-Free 3 – Mystery Edition

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A mystery GF3 arrived in my mailbox recently, and it’s very sports-oriented.  All I know is that these guys would make me actually want to sit down and watch a game. Yowza!

#1 – Matt Leinart

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#2 – Michael Phelps

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#3 – Derek Jeter

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*BONUS for the Olympics:  Bobby Brown

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Guilt-Free 3 – #3

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Based on a recent Buzzfeed quiz, it occurs to me that Pacey Witter (Joshua Jackson in Dawson’s Creek) and I have been soul mates since the show aired.

See?

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Because trust me.  I freaking love me some Joshua Jackson…but now who do I boot from the Guilt-Free 3?

#1 – Chris Hemsworth

Chris Hemsworth, you’re still safe. Blame it on your hair, your lips, your eyebrows, your forearms, your accent, your general EVERYTHING.

Chris Hemsworth

Exploding Ovaries

(If I get pregnant…can my ovaries still explode?)

And now the hard part…  Um…John Krasinski.  you’ve got an honorable member of my GF3. You are funny and sexy and I feel like I could spend a lifetime with you and fall in love with you and never be bored with you EVER.  Unfortunately, that’s not what the Guilt-Free 3 is about.  The Guilt-Free 3 is all carnal.

Which brings me to Tim Riggins…I mean, Taylor Kitsch.  Sure, you may not have a lot going on upstairs (I’m judging this based on your character as Tim Riggins and your recent movie choices of Battleship and John Carter), but dear God can the sheet sight of you make a girl sweat.

In this case, I believe that I must keep the carnal choice and respectfully retire John Krasinski.  Please don’t think this doesn’t hurt, John.  I will miss you dearly.

#2 – Taylor Kitsch

You got lucky, Riggins.  REAL lucky.

Taylor Kitsch

#3 – Joshua Jackson

So welcome, Joshua Jackson/Pacey Witter.  I don’t think you’ll be here long, so enjoy it while you can.  I already feel bad getting rid of Johnny K.  But I have to get you out of my system, so you’re in.

JoshuaJackson1

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Guilt-Free 3 – Paola’s Edition

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The Guilt-Free 3 bug is spreading. 🙂  Watch yourself!  Here’s Paola’s Guilt-Free 3 all the way from North Carolina!

#1 – Ryan Gosling

This girl has never seen The Notebook, but finds Baby Goose to be incredibly dreamy.

Ryan Gosling

#2 – Benedict Cumberbatch

“Because Sherlock is so smart and attractive.”  Perhaps I need to see Sherlock?

Benedict Cumberbatch

#3 – Leonardo DiCaprio (TITANIC ERA)

The Titanic Era is crucial here.  Old Leo is too rugged for Miss Paola.

Jack Dawson

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